Deactivating our Shame Detector
Recently, I was asked to comment on the question, “In an immersive AI world, what makes us human?”
Many could answer this question in their own way, but what first struck me as unique about humans is that we are built to detect threat. Our brains are built to monitor for and attend to any indicators of risk to our well-being. This ability is intended not just to protect us in the present but into the future as well by projecting into the future what we might be able to predict. At some point along life’s path we experience a moment where we do not have the resources in or around us to cope and are overcome with distress. We can quickly learn to associate all the sensory data present during that experience with threat and suddenly something that before might have been of no concern like the brake lights on a car or the booming sound of thunder has our survival system activated.
Perhaps our most profound threat detector is shame - that feeling that tells us we should shrivel up and disappear because we are about to be found out for who we really are, “not worthy,” “not enough,” or just plain, “bad.” The assumption that comes with such core shame beliefs is that rejection is the approaching consequence for being seen.
Why would this be so elemental to predicting threat and keeping us safe? Simply put, it is because we are tribal people. Think about it for a moment, you put me up against most predators in the animal kingdom and I will lose. I lack the defenses to stand alone against the lion or the bear. My ability to survive is dependent upon my being part of a group! Together, we can create and execute the plan to survive.
Given that, of course we have this deeply rooted capacity to sense if we might be rejected. We don’t want to be cast out alone, thrown to the wolves! Instead, many of us experience a thirst to be received and held within community. We want to be truly known and received. Unfortunately, at the same time we can carry such wounds of rejection that it becomes a profound struggle to trust that true communion is possible. Our shame detector is on high alert, budgeting us very little social safety.
Loneliness is the resulting epidemic in our society fueled by a desperation to be part of something larger than ourselves. I think the vulnerability this lack of trust causes is a willingness to settle. We settle for relational transactions instead of true companionship. We treat ourselves and/or each other like objects to be collected and traded based on our usefulness rather than be truly admired and engaged with a genuine authenticity. Or, we despise ourselves and stop allowing ourselves opportunities to be seen or cared for, and even a genuine gift of kindness is discounted and left on the table.
At this point you may be wondering, If shame is key to our defense system but causes such pain, what is there to do?!
In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) we have a few key steps to take in recovering when our shame detector is activated.
Check in. How intense is that shame? Is it hard to think and feel at the same time? Are you finding that you are having strong impulses to put your shame into action by cutting off a relationship or treating yourself poorly? If so, it is time for a break. Grab a coffee, catch some sunshine, get active or do something that makes you laugh. Don’t worry, the shame will be there for you when you’re ready, but it doesn’t need your urgent response, you can take the time to recover a bit.
Come back. I know that can sound ridiculous, just when you were starting to feel a bit better come back to it?! Remember, the shame is not there to hurt you, it is there to protect you, it just has a REALLY painful way of doing that! So breathe, let the shame show up and see what it wants to tell you about where you are feeling risk.
Check the facts. Is this shame a legitimate response to a present-moment threat? Perhaps you are in a situation where your personal identity, beliefs, or good-intentioned imperfections are being actively rejected (or likely would be if they were known).
If so it is worth taking the time to identify where your values line up. With wise counsel examine the situation because this is likely an opportunity for personal growth. Maybe a shift in where you find community is needed to find greater alignment and acceptance. Perhaps this is an opportunity to grow in your own understanding of who you are and how you express yourself in the world. Regardless, this work takes time and delicacy so care well for yourself!
If, however, the shame is pointing you backwards, to the intentional or unintentional messaging of past circumstances, this is where we get to deactivate your shame detector. How? I will give you two ways:
First, do exactly what your shame is saying not to do. As an example, lets say you feel ashamed of taking time for yourself as a parent when there is always someone who needs something and you carry the message you must be last and have little? We deactivate that shame by taking the me-time. We don’t just do this once but over and over again, making that self care time a weekly scheduled event. Everytime you choose this values-consistent, live-giving activity, notice the effect (and lack of rejection). Lovingly, kindly let the shame watch and discover safety.
Second, don’t do it alone! When shame ripples to the surface, be quick to share it with others who are also on their own journey to deactivate shame. Make a mistake and fear this somehow leaves you broken? Apologize, make amends, own it, share it! Notice how others say, “me too,” or receive your apology and stay in relationship with you. Notice how sharing our humanness quiets our shame sensors as we learn we can be seen and cared for even with our imperfections. Notice how this process breaks down those barriers to community bridging evermore intimate connections over time.
Final Thoughts
For some these words may have loosened a deeper, uncomfortable awareness of a shame burden they have carried. If that is you, please know these burdens are never meant to be carried alone. Consider reaching out to join a group, read more about shame (you can’t go wrong with The Gifts of Imperfection), or share with a therapist these vulnerable fears so you can begin to know your true worth.