Global Mourning: How shared grief can unite a world

What is the most common subject people bring up when they first begin a new conversation? Well, in the “good old days” prior to 2020 when “quarantine” was mainly a term from our history books, “six feet” simply described someone taller than the average person and “Corona” referred to a beverage some enjoyed at a barbecue on a sunny Sunday afternoon, the answer was….the weather. Way back then, we might have begun a conversation with, “How about that heat?” or “Cold enough for you?” The weather was the most common experience we shared. Trivial? Usually. However, it provided 5-10 seconds of connection between people who might not have anything else in common.Because of the Coronavirus Pandemic, we are all connected by something far less superficial and exceedingly more painful. Loss. Everyone has lost someone or something important and personal during these unprecedented times and no race, gender or generation is immune. Some have lost loved ones, others their jobs or financial security, students have lost their learning environments. We have all lost the places where we connected regularly with peers and friends. Meaningful events, traditions and rituals have had to be cancelled or postponed such as school plays, family vacations, weddings, funerals, athletic events and graduation ceremonies. And we all have lost the stabilizing force of routine and structure as we do our best to adapt to an ever fluid world landscape. There are countless other examples.However, in this time of disconnection and isolation because of social distancing, this shared experience of loss and its accompanying levels of suffering ironically can be what brings us together. Grief is a uniquely bonding emotion and just being associated with others who have experienced similar losses is healing to some degree. The continued effectiveness for most of grief support groups is testament to this. It doesn’t matter how dissimilar we may be in ethnicity, politics, socio-economic standing, sexuality or number of Instagram followers. When we believe that someone else “gets it” and “knows our pain” a connection is formed that goes beyond demographics. It’s also a wonderful opportunity to add something positive to a world that desperately needs it, more now than ever: active empathy—not only understanding what another is feeling and experiencing, but having that awareness inspire us to action.This action can be as intentional as doing grocery runs for an elderly neighbor or as subtle and spontaneous as greeting a passerby on your walking path with a friendly smile, ever conscious of your mutual membership in this global grief support group. We have an innate sensitivity to those who are grieving. We would never say to someone at their spouse’s funeral, “I’m so sorry for your loss, now what about that 100 bucks you owe me?” All of us likely recognize the dreadfully inappropriate timing of such a remark and cringe at the thought of it. Or when we come to realize that a person—whom we have tended to criticize—has recently lost their child, job, or marriage, we change our attitude. We might say, “Oh wow! I had no idea.” A change in our perspective occurs. We exchange our harsh judgement for understanding, patience and compassion.What if we treated everyone with whom we came in contact during this lockdown with such kindness and sensitivity? What if instead of being irritable or judgmental with each other we were consciously aware of each other’s suffering and recognized this common ground we all share? The encouraging news is that many of us seem to be doing this already. I’ve been hearing and reading more and more stories of good will gestures and folks going out of their way to be thoughtful and kind to others who perhaps are suffering more than they are. If this is you, “air high fives” coming your way! But it needs to continue and all of us need to get on board.Here are some suggestions as to how to go about this in your own lives.Be willing to acknowledge and grieve your own losses – Many of us gravitate more to the emotions of anger and anxiety during these times and shy away from sadness as it often causes us to feel more vulnerable. However, empathy is best activated when we are in touch with our own feelings. Go ahead and acknowledge your own losses. Journal about them. Share them with a loved one. Trust me, they will be able to relate to the feeling, and encourage them to share their losses with you.Remember anger is a stage of grief too – Loss can manifest itself in our emotions in ways other than sadness. Notice if you or a loved one seem to be expressing more anger than usual during these times. Since anger is a secondary emotion, meaning a more vulnerable emotion often lies beneath, it may be a sign of unprocessed mourning. Check in with them and ask about losses they are aware of.Don’t compare losses – Many of us tend to minimize our own losses by comparing them to the “far greater” losses of others. And although there is an obvious intrinsic difference between the death of a loved one and having to cancel a spring break vacation, your loss is your loss and no one else’s. It is appropriate and necessary to grieve your own losses without having to justify your grief and disappointment in light of other’s losses that don’t belong to you.Be mindful of other’s suffering - As mentioned earlier, we are surrounded by people who are enduring losses along with us. The next time you go to the grocery store notice the man in the frozen foods who might be recently unemployed, or the high school senior in the cereal aisle who has already lost her senior trip, prom and is anxious she will soon lose her graduation ceremony too, or the lady in produce who is grieving the death of a loved one and the associated loss of not being able to have a funeral. Allow yourself to feel empathy and compassion for those around you even though you may not know their stories. You don’t need to know the specifics, just that they are suffering through losses too, losses that are important to them.Allow active empathy to make a difference – Allow the innate compassion we all have when we are knowingly around the grieving to emerge on a daily and moment to moment basis. Have this active empathy lead you to treat others with more patience, understanding, kindness, thoughtfulness and love.In no way am I encouraging continual somberness around each other, as laughter, smiles and lightheartedness are healing in their own right. However, if all of us could actively look for opportunities to be supportive, positive and kind with one another in the midst of our global mourning, a unity could emerge from COVID19 that perhaps wouldn’t have occurred without it.And here’s a crazy idea. Let’s keep this active empathy alive even after the lockdown is lifted. After all, it’s not the heat, it’s the humidity.More about Michael Dorren, Ph.D.